A New Hope

All through this last week, "Hope" has remained in our hearts. We are not giving up. We want a family. 

 After speaking with Brian, Caryn, and Dr. Nemiro, we decided that it we want to try again. We have no more embryos, but we do still have Brian's sperm. We will be going through the egg retrieval again, and the IVF. I have been laying out the plans over the last few days. The goal is to start on this either first week of January or first week of February. If all goes well, that would put the transfer at the beginning of March or April. Excitement is starting to grow again. So grateful that she and Carlos are willing to go through this again.

I know this is completely not what we had planned. We were not prepared to have to try again. It seems crazy to go through the financial stress and the risk of it not taking again. We are going forward with our eyes wide open. This IS an emotional decision, because that is what this is all about. Our emotional desire for this baby. However, we have thought through it all. What all we will have to do without, what we have to give up, how the stress may effect our relationship, and how it all will effect our future. It seems like so much, but the reward will make everything worth it. Nothing that we have to give up will take the place of how blessed our lives will be with a child.

Again, we all want to do this ASAP. All the same reasons apply. There is no garauntee how long either of our families will be living here in 2014. Also, we have some testing, physicals, etc that already apply and will not have to be redone if we can do it in the correct amount of time.

At the end of everything, we have paid just under $40,000 with hotel, fuel, meds, etc. With a discount that Dr. Nemiro is giving us and some of the things that will not have to be repeated, our budget is $25,000. This will also cover a third round of IVF if there are enough embryos and it is necessary. This amount seems so big first of all because it is what I originally thought our budget was for the first cycle. But this time, I know what extras are necessary. There will not be any surprises. I have revamped the "Financial Info" tab to show our details. I will have the "Fundraisers" tab back up when I recreate that.

I have 2 things I am working on right now. I am selling our 2 cars, and getting 1 car with low, low payments. Just something to get me by for a few months. Then we will have to figure out our transportation issues after Brian gets home. Secondly, I am working on "MINIMIZING" I am selling everything!... mostly. I do want to apologize to friends and family about this. I am having to make some tough decisions on things. There may be some things that you have given me. I hope that I do not insult anybody by this. If you do see something that insults you are saddens you that I am selling, please tell me and I won't. This is just where we are right now. Brian has decided to sell his car that he was wanting for so long, and he loves. I am cutting our DVD collection in half! I am selling some of my organizing supplies, and craft stuff! For those of you that know us, you know the meaning of that. ;-)

I hope you all can understand our decision, and be happy for us. I fear that some may think we are being irresponsible about this. Please... if you do, just keep it to yourself or don't follow us on FB and the blogs. Sorry if that sounds harsh. We have thought this through from every angle, and are supported by our immediate families (and Caryn and Carlos). I do not have the emotional strength to argue it with anyone. 

We are so blessed to have so many prayers, love and support from all of you.

Is There Still A Miracle At The End of This Path?

Thank you everyone for you kind words, prayers, and support this last week. It has definitely been a tough one.

As expected, the results on Monday came back negative.

Sunday and Monday Caryn's kids were with me. I was kind of nervous how I would feel around them. They have been so excited about the whole process, and I knew there was going to be conversation about it. I asked Caryn what words she had used so that if they talked to me about it, they were getting a consistent explanation. I was just reminded of how blessed we are to have this family in our lives. They did have many "solutions" to how we would have a kid. None of them work. It was just so nice to play with them, listen to them, and watch them play with each other.

I did talk to Dr. Nemiro Monday night, and he just had no explanation to give of why the transfer didn't work. They had 6 transfers around the same time, and 5 of them were positive. They were not expecting to get a call from US with a negative. He said the embryos were beautiful, Caryn's lining was perfect, the transfer went smoothly. In the last few months (I don't remember how many 2-6 months), disregarding age, they have had 84.7% success. Despite the result, I still am just so thankful for that whole office. They are so easy to talk to and you can honestly feel the commitment and the care that they have.

Brian has been calling me as often as possible this week. I am so grateful that they are not on the ship yet, and that he is able to communicate so easily. We have started talking about where we are going from here. A couple of options on the table. Trying to sort out all the details before making any decisions. We are both just so heartbroken with the results, we want to make sure we think it through and don't do anything crazy simply based on emotion. No matter what though, the decision is based on emotion. We want a baby. What are we willing to do to make that happen?

I don't remember exactly what my answer used to be when I was asked what I want to be when I grow up. The one answer I do remember was "Mom". My mom was a Stay-At-Home-Mom up till I was in Jr High. I just wanted to be like her. Even into high school, that was always my answer in my head, but of course it didn't really work out loud. I struggled to find "a career". Started college without a major, changed my mind about 46 times on what job I wanted. I have realized that I have never been able to figure that out, because I want to do everything. Here is my list of majors/jobs that I seriously considered: Psychology, child development, education, health/nutrition, interior designer, professional organizer, accountant, life coach (Bahahaha!!! Seriously!!).... that might be all. Notice a pattern there? I am sure any mother/wife would. The problem I had with every one of these is I didn't want to do it ALL the time. I didn't want to study EVERY area of each of those. I didn't want to make a career out of any of them. I simply wanted to be "good" at each one. As a mother, I will be able to constantly improve in each of those areas. There is a part of my mind that has always been a mother. Every thing I learn, I apply it to being a wife and mother.

I always thought this was corney and cliche, but I understand the depth of it now. There is a piece of my heart that is reserved for our child. That piece is missing. This Path to Our Miracle is not over. God still has a miracle for us.

Grief

I keep staring at this empty screen. I have no way to say how I feel right now.

Thursday morning Caryn went in for her blood test to see if she was pregnant. The test came back negative.

I was so anxious that morning. I talked to my Mom, my MIL, my SIL. Finally I worked out to help distract me.

Caryn said it was going to be an hour for the results. When I had not gotten an answer after an hour and 10 min, I think I knew. Of course I kept telling myself that "1 hr when dealing with not only a hospital, but military, I shouldn't worry till 2 hrs."

When Caryn called, I remember just staring at the phone. Whatever she said would change our lives. I don't remember most of the conversation. All I remember is the sadness in her voice and the word "negative".

I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom, but I could barely speak through the tears.

I cried. I just kept trying to "mind talk" to Brian so he would call me.

My initial reaction whenever I get sad about something is to turn on the TV or play a game. Something to focus on other then what I am feeling. I fought this urge. I just allowed myself to think about everything. I allowed myself to cry. I cried myself to sleep.

I was woken up by a call from Brian. I had sent him an email so he knew the results. It is difficult to deal with this over the phone because it is hard to determine real emotions. He has called me as often as possible over the last couple days.

Telling him allowed me to start to deal with the reality. Before that all I could think about was telling him.

I had every intention of pulling myself together and dealing getting some stuff done on Friday. Then the horrible news of the shooting started flooding FB. Emotions all over the place again.

I am doing better today. I am not sure how I "should" feel. It is only the loss of an "idea". Especially after the loss of all these kindergartners, and the many families I know who have lost children in the past. I am reminding myself not to compare my life to others. But I feel ridiculous with my sadness while these people are dealing with such a tragic loss.

We are still kind of in limbo with this blood test on Monday. There is a small possibility that it will be different results, but I am not expecting anything but another negative.

We have to start figuring out what our new options are. No idea where to begin. The cost of anything else is going to be so high. Maybe we really aren't meant to have a child. Again, very difficult decisions to make through a deployment, but I think we will have to work on it.

Well, that is all for now.

Two Week Wait

In just a few short LONG hours, we will have an answer! This has been the most excruciating 2 weeks of my life! Thank God it isn't really a full 2 weeks before we can do the blood test! But first of all, I can not believe it has not even been 2 weeks since Brian left on deployment! It seems like forever! And it has been just over a week since Caryn and I returned from Arizona for the transfer! Again, it seems like forever!

I know Caryn has been in so much pain, and so uncomfortable. I am sooo happy to have our blogs and that she is so open about everything. I feel guilty every time I hear about any pain, inconvenience, or uncomfortableness (<<< Is that a word?). I know this is going to be an issue throughout the whole pregnancy. When I hear something, I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Thank you" or what. But I want her to be able to talk to me (or blog) about those things.

We will also have to work together to find that balance of helping and annoyance. Haha! I keep wanting to help and be protective. Partially to protect the babies, but also to just help her be comfortable. We have talked about this a little, but I suspect it will be something that we will just have to continuously be open with each other about.

I have been fairly positive throughout this whole time.... well, mostly I have just been watching Netflix non-stop so that my brain doesn't start thinking about stuff. Yesterday (Wednesday) was the first day that I have officially been freaking out. I keep thinking that we have been so overconfident. What if we are about to come to a sharp turn in our life path? What if what we have been planning is not what God has in store for us. This is our only shot on this path. Of course, this is when I start crying, and then I decide what I should do next off my "todo" list so that I can stop thinking about it.

No matter what happens today, thank you ALL for all your thoughts, prayers and support! This has already been such an AMAZING journey and we hope we will be sharing with you for a long time to come!
Watch my or Caryn's facebook status' today for the earliest results! Eeeeekkkkk!!!! I can't believe it!! 

....Go

Transfer was completed on Tuesday. Caryn and I drove to Arizona on Monday. The transfer was Tuesday afternoon, then we drove back Wednesday. You can read Caryn's version on her blog.

After the long drive out there, we passed out in the
hotel Monday night. Caryn got up early enough for the hotel's breakfast. We both just "relaxed" for the morning.

I kept trying to write a blog post, but I just could not put anything into words.

We had a quick lunch, then headed over to the clinic. Every time I walk in that door, I just love the atmosphere and the people there!

We were taken back and Caryn got changed. I got to wear a little jump suit and cap. Lol. I probably would not have worn a skirt if I had thought about it. It looked like I had a multi colored diaper on.
Lisa, one of the nurses, walked us through the process. I did some final waivers and permissions.

Through everything I just could not/can not believe what was/is really happening. I can't even now, put into words how I felt. Shock, awe, forever grateful...

As Dr. Nemiro came in to talk with us, Lisa reminded him we don't know the sex of the babies. Lol. I love how laid back he is! It is just so easy to relax. Even during the procedure, they all were just so laid back and jovial, but not unfocused. They talked through every step. Not just what they were doing, but how and why.
Both embryos thawed perfectly and Dr Nemiro said they looked beautiful! One was even starting to "hatch"? I think that is the word he used.

They took us into the next room. It was so dark. It is the same room I was in for the retrieval. There was a monitor in there that was connected to a microscope in the lab.

Again, unable to put into words what I was feeling. I could not believe this was the moment Caryn will be starting to take care of our babies. This was the "point of no return". She is no longer "going to be" but is now our surrogate.

Caryn was moved back into the other room to lay flat for 1 hour. We watched some "reality" tv. Lol. Did the whole Facebook updates. Eventually started talking about stuff. All I really remember is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude for Caryn. I tried telling her. All I could get out was "Thank You". Then I started crying, so I couldn't talk anymore.

I don't know that I will ever be able to fully put into words how grateful I am, and I know I will never be able to repay this amazing gift.

I am posting from my phone and I can't get the picture of the embryos to load, so I will put them up when I can turn my computer on.

Ready...Set....

All the build up over the last year is HERE!

Deployment has started. We had a window of time, but we didn't get official word about the time, until less than 48 hours before. I always try to make the last couple of days as perfect as possible. Making a couple special meals, have the house pretty cleaned up with just his gear as clutter. We did have a nice dinner at home, but it wasn't nearly the "perfect" dinner I had planned. Just many things that don't matter. I finally just stopped. We just relaxed and watched a movie for a bit. The house was a mess, and I didn't do my hair and nails, I didn't have the snacks I wanted to send with him, I didn't get to write the notes that I wanted to add in his bags. However, we had a wonderful day! That was the important part.

As you may know by now, it is time for the transfer!!! Holy Cow!! I can't even believe we are here! We have had so many moments that we questioned if we were really going to be able to make it. But God has made it happen! We definitely couldn't have done it without those of you that have been following our story, praying, helping, and donating. There is no way we will be able to fully show our gratefulness. We will continue our thanks, and we will cherish our family beyond belief! Thank you all again!

 

Caryn and I will heading to Arizona on Monday afternoon. She has been doing great with the medications. Even the oil injection that she was really worried about. She has gotten some advice from friends that have done it before. I'm so glad it isn't as bad as she expected! 

Tuesday at 1:30pm Mountain Time we will be at the clinic for the transfer!  Sad Brian can't be here for this, but they are able to record the microscopic placement of the embryos, so at least he can see that. They just told Caryn not to exert herself too much over the couple days after the transfer. We will stay Tuesday night, and drive back on Wednesday. This week is when we need EVERY prayer we can get! This is what every step has been heading toward. I am so excited! I am also scared. This is the end of this road. We have 2 embryos with 1 opportunity. If they attach, we will be parents. If they don't.... we will have a whole new fork in the road we will have to chose. But, POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!!!

Contract (late posting)

Just found this in my "Drafts"! Should have posted November 20th.

So today we finalize our contract. This is a formality for courts when we have to file for maternity/paternity rights. Because whoever gives birth is the "mother" that goes on the birth certificate. This way, it is easier with the hospital and legal system. PLUS.... I believe that contracts are so important even in personal situations such as this, where you think "why would we need that?"

The basics are simple: It is Brian and my baby. Caryn does not want it. Caryn and Carlos know and accept the risks of pregnancy. We are fully responsible for any financial needs that involve our baby. But take even just a normal pregnancy... walk through all the variations that could come up.... now add another couple to the mix... through in some extra emotional chaos from each individual party...I am guessing a little extra financial cost to make sure surrogate is happy and healthy... and just for laughs, make sure you can maintain a civil relationship because mother babysits surrogates children! Hahaha!!! We are all clear on what is going on, but I am so happy we have this contract to deal with any issues before they come up.