A New Hope

All through this last week, "Hope" has remained in our hearts. We are not giving up. We want a family. 

 After speaking with Brian, Caryn, and Dr. Nemiro, we decided that it we want to try again. We have no more embryos, but we do still have Brian's sperm. We will be going through the egg retrieval again, and the IVF. I have been laying out the plans over the last few days. The goal is to start on this either first week of January or first week of February. If all goes well, that would put the transfer at the beginning of March or April. Excitement is starting to grow again. So grateful that she and Carlos are willing to go through this again.

I know this is completely not what we had planned. We were not prepared to have to try again. It seems crazy to go through the financial stress and the risk of it not taking again. We are going forward with our eyes wide open. This IS an emotional decision, because that is what this is all about. Our emotional desire for this baby. However, we have thought through it all. What all we will have to do without, what we have to give up, how the stress may effect our relationship, and how it all will effect our future. It seems like so much, but the reward will make everything worth it. Nothing that we have to give up will take the place of how blessed our lives will be with a child.

Again, we all want to do this ASAP. All the same reasons apply. There is no garauntee how long either of our families will be living here in 2014. Also, we have some testing, physicals, etc that already apply and will not have to be redone if we can do it in the correct amount of time.

At the end of everything, we have paid just under $40,000 with hotel, fuel, meds, etc. With a discount that Dr. Nemiro is giving us and some of the things that will not have to be repeated, our budget is $25,000. This will also cover a third round of IVF if there are enough embryos and it is necessary. This amount seems so big first of all because it is what I originally thought our budget was for the first cycle. But this time, I know what extras are necessary. There will not be any surprises. I have revamped the "Financial Info" tab to show our details. I will have the "Fundraisers" tab back up when I recreate that.

I have 2 things I am working on right now. I am selling our 2 cars, and getting 1 car with low, low payments. Just something to get me by for a few months. Then we will have to figure out our transportation issues after Brian gets home. Secondly, I am working on "MINIMIZING" I am selling everything!... mostly. I do want to apologize to friends and family about this. I am having to make some tough decisions on things. There may be some things that you have given me. I hope that I do not insult anybody by this. If you do see something that insults you are saddens you that I am selling, please tell me and I won't. This is just where we are right now. Brian has decided to sell his car that he was wanting for so long, and he loves. I am cutting our DVD collection in half! I am selling some of my organizing supplies, and craft stuff! For those of you that know us, you know the meaning of that. ;-)

I hope you all can understand our decision, and be happy for us. I fear that some may think we are being irresponsible about this. Please... if you do, just keep it to yourself or don't follow us on FB and the blogs. Sorry if that sounds harsh. We have thought this through from every angle, and are supported by our immediate families (and Caryn and Carlos). I do not have the emotional strength to argue it with anyone. 

We are so blessed to have so many prayers, love and support from all of you.

Is There Still A Miracle At The End of This Path?

Thank you everyone for you kind words, prayers, and support this last week. It has definitely been a tough one.

As expected, the results on Monday came back negative.

Sunday and Monday Caryn's kids were with me. I was kind of nervous how I would feel around them. They have been so excited about the whole process, and I knew there was going to be conversation about it. I asked Caryn what words she had used so that if they talked to me about it, they were getting a consistent explanation. I was just reminded of how blessed we are to have this family in our lives. They did have many "solutions" to how we would have a kid. None of them work. It was just so nice to play with them, listen to them, and watch them play with each other.

I did talk to Dr. Nemiro Monday night, and he just had no explanation to give of why the transfer didn't work. They had 6 transfers around the same time, and 5 of them were positive. They were not expecting to get a call from US with a negative. He said the embryos were beautiful, Caryn's lining was perfect, the transfer went smoothly. In the last few months (I don't remember how many 2-6 months), disregarding age, they have had 84.7% success. Despite the result, I still am just so thankful for that whole office. They are so easy to talk to and you can honestly feel the commitment and the care that they have.

Brian has been calling me as often as possible this week. I am so grateful that they are not on the ship yet, and that he is able to communicate so easily. We have started talking about where we are going from here. A couple of options on the table. Trying to sort out all the details before making any decisions. We are both just so heartbroken with the results, we want to make sure we think it through and don't do anything crazy simply based on emotion. No matter what though, the decision is based on emotion. We want a baby. What are we willing to do to make that happen?

I don't remember exactly what my answer used to be when I was asked what I want to be when I grow up. The one answer I do remember was "Mom". My mom was a Stay-At-Home-Mom up till I was in Jr High. I just wanted to be like her. Even into high school, that was always my answer in my head, but of course it didn't really work out loud. I struggled to find "a career". Started college without a major, changed my mind about 46 times on what job I wanted. I have realized that I have never been able to figure that out, because I want to do everything. Here is my list of majors/jobs that I seriously considered: Psychology, child development, education, health/nutrition, interior designer, professional organizer, accountant, life coach (Bahahaha!!! Seriously!!).... that might be all. Notice a pattern there? I am sure any mother/wife would. The problem I had with every one of these is I didn't want to do it ALL the time. I didn't want to study EVERY area of each of those. I didn't want to make a career out of any of them. I simply wanted to be "good" at each one. As a mother, I will be able to constantly improve in each of those areas. There is a part of my mind that has always been a mother. Every thing I learn, I apply it to being a wife and mother.

I always thought this was corney and cliche, but I understand the depth of it now. There is a piece of my heart that is reserved for our child. That piece is missing. This Path to Our Miracle is not over. God still has a miracle for us.

Grief

I keep staring at this empty screen. I have no way to say how I feel right now.

Thursday morning Caryn went in for her blood test to see if she was pregnant. The test came back negative.

I was so anxious that morning. I talked to my Mom, my MIL, my SIL. Finally I worked out to help distract me.

Caryn said it was going to be an hour for the results. When I had not gotten an answer after an hour and 10 min, I think I knew. Of course I kept telling myself that "1 hr when dealing with not only a hospital, but military, I shouldn't worry till 2 hrs."

When Caryn called, I remember just staring at the phone. Whatever she said would change our lives. I don't remember most of the conversation. All I remember is the sadness in her voice and the word "negative".

I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom, but I could barely speak through the tears.

I cried. I just kept trying to "mind talk" to Brian so he would call me.

My initial reaction whenever I get sad about something is to turn on the TV or play a game. Something to focus on other then what I am feeling. I fought this urge. I just allowed myself to think about everything. I allowed myself to cry. I cried myself to sleep.

I was woken up by a call from Brian. I had sent him an email so he knew the results. It is difficult to deal with this over the phone because it is hard to determine real emotions. He has called me as often as possible over the last couple days.

Telling him allowed me to start to deal with the reality. Before that all I could think about was telling him.

I had every intention of pulling myself together and dealing getting some stuff done on Friday. Then the horrible news of the shooting started flooding FB. Emotions all over the place again.

I am doing better today. I am not sure how I "should" feel. It is only the loss of an "idea". Especially after the loss of all these kindergartners, and the many families I know who have lost children in the past. I am reminding myself not to compare my life to others. But I feel ridiculous with my sadness while these people are dealing with such a tragic loss.

We are still kind of in limbo with this blood test on Monday. There is a small possibility that it will be different results, but I am not expecting anything but another negative.

We have to start figuring out what our new options are. No idea where to begin. The cost of anything else is going to be so high. Maybe we really aren't meant to have a child. Again, very difficult decisions to make through a deployment, but I think we will have to work on it.

Well, that is all for now.

Two Week Wait

In just a few short LONG hours, we will have an answer! This has been the most excruciating 2 weeks of my life! Thank God it isn't really a full 2 weeks before we can do the blood test! But first of all, I can not believe it has not even been 2 weeks since Brian left on deployment! It seems like forever! And it has been just over a week since Caryn and I returned from Arizona for the transfer! Again, it seems like forever!

I know Caryn has been in so much pain, and so uncomfortable. I am sooo happy to have our blogs and that she is so open about everything. I feel guilty every time I hear about any pain, inconvenience, or uncomfortableness (<<< Is that a word?). I know this is going to be an issue throughout the whole pregnancy. When I hear something, I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "Thank you" or what. But I want her to be able to talk to me (or blog) about those things.

We will also have to work together to find that balance of helping and annoyance. Haha! I keep wanting to help and be protective. Partially to protect the babies, but also to just help her be comfortable. We have talked about this a little, but I suspect it will be something that we will just have to continuously be open with each other about.

I have been fairly positive throughout this whole time.... well, mostly I have just been watching Netflix non-stop so that my brain doesn't start thinking about stuff. Yesterday (Wednesday) was the first day that I have officially been freaking out. I keep thinking that we have been so overconfident. What if we are about to come to a sharp turn in our life path? What if what we have been planning is not what God has in store for us. This is our only shot on this path. Of course, this is when I start crying, and then I decide what I should do next off my "todo" list so that I can stop thinking about it.

No matter what happens today, thank you ALL for all your thoughts, prayers and support! This has already been such an AMAZING journey and we hope we will be sharing with you for a long time to come!
Watch my or Caryn's facebook status' today for the earliest results! Eeeeekkkkk!!!! I can't believe it!! 

....Go

Transfer was completed on Tuesday. Caryn and I drove to Arizona on Monday. The transfer was Tuesday afternoon, then we drove back Wednesday. You can read Caryn's version on her blog.

After the long drive out there, we passed out in the
hotel Monday night. Caryn got up early enough for the hotel's breakfast. We both just "relaxed" for the morning.

I kept trying to write a blog post, but I just could not put anything into words.

We had a quick lunch, then headed over to the clinic. Every time I walk in that door, I just love the atmosphere and the people there!

We were taken back and Caryn got changed. I got to wear a little jump suit and cap. Lol. I probably would not have worn a skirt if I had thought about it. It looked like I had a multi colored diaper on.
Lisa, one of the nurses, walked us through the process. I did some final waivers and permissions.

Through everything I just could not/can not believe what was/is really happening. I can't even now, put into words how I felt. Shock, awe, forever grateful...

As Dr. Nemiro came in to talk with us, Lisa reminded him we don't know the sex of the babies. Lol. I love how laid back he is! It is just so easy to relax. Even during the procedure, they all were just so laid back and jovial, but not unfocused. They talked through every step. Not just what they were doing, but how and why.
Both embryos thawed perfectly and Dr Nemiro said they looked beautiful! One was even starting to "hatch"? I think that is the word he used.

They took us into the next room. It was so dark. It is the same room I was in for the retrieval. There was a monitor in there that was connected to a microscope in the lab.

Again, unable to put into words what I was feeling. I could not believe this was the moment Caryn will be starting to take care of our babies. This was the "point of no return". She is no longer "going to be" but is now our surrogate.

Caryn was moved back into the other room to lay flat for 1 hour. We watched some "reality" tv. Lol. Did the whole Facebook updates. Eventually started talking about stuff. All I really remember is the overwhelming feeling of gratitude for Caryn. I tried telling her. All I could get out was "Thank You". Then I started crying, so I couldn't talk anymore.

I don't know that I will ever be able to fully put into words how grateful I am, and I know I will never be able to repay this amazing gift.

I am posting from my phone and I can't get the picture of the embryos to load, so I will put them up when I can turn my computer on.

Ready...Set....

All the build up over the last year is HERE!

Deployment has started. We had a window of time, but we didn't get official word about the time, until less than 48 hours before. I always try to make the last couple of days as perfect as possible. Making a couple special meals, have the house pretty cleaned up with just his gear as clutter. We did have a nice dinner at home, but it wasn't nearly the "perfect" dinner I had planned. Just many things that don't matter. I finally just stopped. We just relaxed and watched a movie for a bit. The house was a mess, and I didn't do my hair and nails, I didn't have the snacks I wanted to send with him, I didn't get to write the notes that I wanted to add in his bags. However, we had a wonderful day! That was the important part.

As you may know by now, it is time for the transfer!!! Holy Cow!! I can't even believe we are here! We have had so many moments that we questioned if we were really going to be able to make it. But God has made it happen! We definitely couldn't have done it without those of you that have been following our story, praying, helping, and donating. There is no way we will be able to fully show our gratefulness. We will continue our thanks, and we will cherish our family beyond belief! Thank you all again!

 

Caryn and I will heading to Arizona on Monday afternoon. She has been doing great with the medications. Even the oil injection that she was really worried about. She has gotten some advice from friends that have done it before. I'm so glad it isn't as bad as she expected! 

Tuesday at 1:30pm Mountain Time we will be at the clinic for the transfer!  Sad Brian can't be here for this, but they are able to record the microscopic placement of the embryos, so at least he can see that. They just told Caryn not to exert herself too much over the couple days after the transfer. We will stay Tuesday night, and drive back on Wednesday. This week is when we need EVERY prayer we can get! This is what every step has been heading toward. I am so excited! I am also scared. This is the end of this road. We have 2 embryos with 1 opportunity. If they attach, we will be parents. If they don't.... we will have a whole new fork in the road we will have to chose. But, POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!!!

Contract (late posting)

Just found this in my "Drafts"! Should have posted November 20th.

So today we finalize our contract. This is a formality for courts when we have to file for maternity/paternity rights. Because whoever gives birth is the "mother" that goes on the birth certificate. This way, it is easier with the hospital and legal system. PLUS.... I believe that contracts are so important even in personal situations such as this, where you think "why would we need that?"

The basics are simple: It is Brian and my baby. Caryn does not want it. Caryn and Carlos know and accept the risks of pregnancy. We are fully responsible for any financial needs that involve our baby. But take even just a normal pregnancy... walk through all the variations that could come up.... now add another couple to the mix... through in some extra emotional chaos from each individual party...I am guessing a little extra financial cost to make sure surrogate is happy and healthy... and just for laughs, make sure you can maintain a civil relationship because mother babysits surrogates children! Hahaha!!! We are all clear on what is going on, but I am so happy we have this contract to deal with any issues before they come up.

A Month Later!.....

Well, what an amazing month this has been! I can't believe it has been a month since I have posted! I am sorry I am not keeping you all updated! You may want to make sure to follow Caryn's blog at www.mypodtheirpea.blogspot.com. She is much better about updating! Haha!

First off, my amazing friend, Maria, and her husband cosigned on a loan for us! With this, we are able to finish paying the clinic, pay for the meds, pay for all of the travel including hotels & food, and anything else that comes up. The day the loan went through, I just sat and cried forever because there was just this HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders! We still have to pay the loan back, and we have really been trying not to add to our debt, but this is just what needed to happen.

We also got a little surprise at Caryn's first appointment. There was a polyp that needed to be removed. This is the second thing since this process started that has had to do with Caryn's health that would not have been found without this. So grateful for this so that they don't sit there for years and get worse. Tricare would not cover the removal for this, but we needed it done, and we needed it done quick to not add to medication costs and extend our timeline. Brian's Aunt Debbie offered to do the procedure at no cost in her office in Seattle! You can read more about Caryn's time there, HERE.

I will explain more on my next post (won't be a month! I promise!). But basically, everything is looking good. Caryn is on pretty much her full cocktail of medications right now. She has another appointment next week, and the transfer is scheduled for DECEMBER 4th!!!!!

Thank you everyone for you love, prayers, and support!

Don't Count Those Chickens!

You would think with living the "Military Life" and even just having made it to this stage in life, I would have learned this lesson. At least to not "count out loud".

I am such a trusting person. When I am told something is going to happen, I have no reason to doubt this. The truth is, people don't always follow through... or they have their own time frame.

The main thing that has proven this lesson to be correct is the military. I love this life (difficult as it is). However, there have been so many times that Brian has been told one thing will might happen. I try so hard to remember that things change...that what is said rarely happens as planned. But even with that in my mind, I open my big mouth (like I am right now) and I share information that I am excited about. Then... things change, and I am left looking like an idiot for saying anything. So, after that happens about 20 times, why spend that emotion!? Why share? Why do I keep opening myself up and allow myself to be viewed like this? I don't know that this WILL change. I don't know that I WANT myself to change. I like that I think the best of people first. I don't want to always think "I'll believe it when I see it." BUT... I do need to keep things to myself if it is not set in stone.

All of this came about because we have been having difficulty receiving one of the loans that was promised by someone. It is a loan from a person (as opposed to a bank loan), interest free, and relaxed payback timing (although time of birth is still our goal). We are in this same situation where we need to pay for things right now. I have been taking a break from "bugging" everyone with constant fundraisers, because I was counting on this. But here I am again, "egg on my face" unprepared for a variation from the plan. Fortunately we are not at risk of complete standstill and loss of the progress we are at. However, I still look like an idiot, and will be back to "bugging" you all with our fundraisers! :-)

I am excited to hear about Caryn's appointment today, and for her to share with you!

...The Right One...

I can't believe with so much happening, I have not posted for almost 2 weeks! I have had so much on my mind, and it is so hard for me to put things into words.

As I said last week, we had 5 good embryos that survived through the freezing. They did a biopsy on each embryo just before the freezing for the micro-array/24 chromosome test. At that point they labeled the embryos #1 through #5. On the 12th, I received a call from the doctor with the results of the tests. We have 3 abnormal embryos. Number 3 and number 5 came back normal. There is a lot of information on this testing process on the clinic's website. This test assists in choosing the most "competent" embryos. By doing this, we know that these are the most likely to result in a successful pregnancy. It also increases the "risk" of multiples. Yay!

I was very upset for a couple days about the number of normal embryos. However, I have come to realize that we only need 2. We have increased the odds of success but knowing which ones to choose. Also, we will not have any eggs after the transfer, so we will not be spending the extra money to store embryos that would not result in pregnancy even if we did use them later on (which has never really been in any plan).

With the disappointment on the "one and only shot", I just keep trying to remember that we have such strong possibilities with what we DO have.

I am reminded of a quote from "Little Women". Amy March says: "You don't need scores of suitors. You need only one... if he's the right one." Obviously this is talking about men. However, it still applies. We don't need 8 embryos. We only need 1 (or 2)... if it is the right one.

From Fertilization to Freezing

Wow! I can't believe I haven't updated since the retrieval! So here is the numbers:
Sept 27 Retrieval: 8 eggs retrieved.
Sept 28 Day 1: 6 usable eggs and and all 6 fertilized!
Sept 30 Day 3: All 6 still going strong
Oct 3 Day 6: Only 5 survived through days, biopsy and freezing. All 5 look excellent and are ready for transfer.

They are doing a micro-array/24 chromosome test. This will help decide which 2 of the 5 to transfer. The results should be back by the end of next week...ish.

It is such a crazy feeling at this point! It seems like everything is happening so fast now! I know the time is going to fly by, because we have so much going on right now. But basically, all the medical stuff for Brian and I is done! The babies are created, and just waiting for the "pod" to be ready! :-)

Day of Retrieval

The retrieval went very well this morning. They retrieved 8 good eggs. They will call tomorrow morning with the results of how many fertilized. Then we will continue to get updates over the next 5 days. 

My platelet count was 65,000, which is a little low, but after checking with the doctor that will be taking over my liver care, said that it would be ok to continue without going to the hospital for a transfusion. 

My estrogen level was 3200. That is high, but low for this process. However, they were less aggressive than normal because of my liver issues.

I am very cramp-y today. Other then that, I feel just fine. I will be taking a Lupron injection and a pill for the next week or so. This should get my body back to "normal".

That is all I have for today. Will keep you updated on the status of embryos!

Retrieval Week: Day 3

Last night I took my last 2 injections. The HCG (trigger) injection was red! That was the scariest part. I have heard that it was going to be a worse injection then all the others, but other than the color, it was the same.

I got a call last night from the IVF coordinator from the clinic. She let me know that all of our tests came back normal. I am not sure if that included the one that tested if I was a carrier of anything. That is on my list of questions for tomorrow.

I was also told a little more info from my appointment yesterday. I have 19 follicles total in both ovaries. My lining is 13mm. This does not matter because the embryos will not be going in me, but interesting to know that I my lining would be cooperating if we needed it to. Anything over 10mm is ready for implant. Also, my estrogen level is 3700. I know that is not something that matters in my case, but again, interesting to know.

I had to go in this morning for another blood test to check my platelet count because of my liver issues. I will found out about results tomorrow.

I am getting really anxious! I can't believe we will be doing this in 12 hours!

After the retrieval, like I said before, I will not be able to drive home, so I will be staying here one more night. Friday morning we will find out how many eggs fertilized. Day 3 will be Sunday, and they will call with an update. Day 5 is Tuesday, and we will get an update on the status of the embryos. Also on day 5 they will biopsy each embryo that is still growing. Then it will take approximately 10-14 days to get those results back. At that point we will know how many embryos we have available.

That should be about the time that Caryn will be starting her medication regimen. Yay! So we are on schedule for in vitro at the end of November.

Retrieval Week: Day 2

Again, thank you everyone for you support this week! We are in awe over every thing!

Today, I had another ultrasound with the doctor. The average size of my follicles are 19mm. They gave me the medication for my last injection for this evening. I am not excited about this one. It is a quite thick needle. However, this is the last one!!! THAT I am excited about!

No appointment tomorrow. Brian will be on his way here tomorrow night! I am so, so excited that he will be here! My procedure is Thursday morning. Since we will have 2 cars here, I will be unable to drive home until Friday morning.

I really know that with the little bits of financial confusion and the extra expense of travel, makes it seem like we made a mistake in choosing this clinic instead of one in San Diego. I have to say, that I do not believe that! I absolutely LOVE the doctor and nurses that we are working with! I KNOW this is where we are supposed to be.

Retrieval Week: Day 1

Finally got my computer on and connected to the internet.

Thank you everyone for the amazing support this weekend on the Psalm 113:9! At the time of this post, $949.49 has been donated by you! That is amazing! I continue to be overwhelmed by every notification that comes in! After talking to Caryn, we have decided to extend the drive until Thursday night. It would be awesome if we could get to $1,139.00 by that time! We only need 17 more people to donate $11.39. That is totally doable!!

We do have some more good news in the financial part. We have been given a loan from an anonymous person for $9,000! We are so blessed and grateful that was offered to us!

Next we have the Caryn's  meds, tests, and IVF to raise for. Plus, we are still fundraising to pay back the loan as soon as possible. We have to make sure that we have the money before Caryn starts meds next month. At least having a loan to cover it.

Again, all of these types of details are under the "financial info" tab at the top.

Now for the good stuff!!!

I drove to Indio, CA last night and slept a few hours at a friends house, then got up early to drive the rest of the way! It was great to have a couple hours already done. :-) The doctor checked the size of my follicles. The majority of them were at 16mm. He wanted them to be at 18mm before triggering me for the retrieval. I am going back tomorrow morning to measure the follicles again. Assuming they will be at the right size, I will be triggered tomorrow, and then the retrieval will be on Thursday! I will update after my appointment tomorrow.

Don't forget to check out the fundraisers, and the "FOR SALE" tab at the top.

Reality~ Part II

Wow! I am so amazed... AGAIN... at the way so many have pulled together to try to help us reach our goal. I know there are so many of you that want so badly to help, but are just unable to financially. I completely understand that! Even going through all this, I still see people needing help, and wish so badly to do something. But one thing I have learned in this, is that every tiny thing helps.
For every one of you that are unable to help, if you just reach out and share the story with 2 people, God will find the ones that are able to help. Many donations are from people we don't even know! I have seen so many miracles happen, and I am just praying that we will be able to get to our miracle!

As for yesterday's appointment.... We both had full physicals, and blood draws. They will be testing blood for all kinds of diseases. We are considered donors, since Caryn will be carrying the baby, so there is a bunch of extra stuff that they have to check. We are also testing my blood to see if I am a carrier of anything. They do a whole panel of over 100 tests including cystic fibrosis, spinal muscular atrophy, Tay-Sachs disease, and Fragile-X syndrome. If I am a carrier for any of these, then they will do the same tests on Brian. If he also is a carrier, there would be a 25% chance that the baby would have that disease. If this was the case, they have a genetic counselor to speak with, and this can help with preparing for the possibility of anything after birth.
They did an ultrasound on me to test my follicles. (egg sacks) They want them to be 18mm at retrieval. I have a bunch of 8mm ones and then about 5 that are between 10-13mm. I have 5 in the right ovary and at least 10 in the left.
We also filled out even more paperwork: waivers, consents, choices of what to do with each part of the samples and embryos when we are finished, or when either one or both of us dies, or in event of a divorce.... Fortunately, with being in the military, we are used to having those kinds of decisions to make, but it was kind of overwhelming.
We got home late last night, and I will be returning tomorrow night. I have another ultrasound and possible trigger for ovulation on Monday morning... at 0815. Must be done in the mornings.

Psalm 113:9 "Into the home of the childless bride, He sends children who are, for her, a cause of happiness beyond measure. Praise the Eternal!"

 CLICK HERE to view, join and share our Psalm 113:9 Event. How many people can we get to donate $11.39!?
CLICK HERE to donate at "Deposit a Gift". Click on link to "Registry" on the left.
     You can chose one of the $ amounts listed or enter your own number at the bottom.
Click on the "Donate Here" button on the right side of the page to donate any dollar amount through PayPal.
CLICK HERE to look at the many fundraisers available!
CLICK HERE to see the items available to purchase! This will be being updated often through the next week.

Thank you, ALL for your time and support!

Reality

Well, everyone... reality has kicked in! Just spent $6800 for just the tests and exams for Brian and I! So, with the medications, lawyer fees, that puts it at $9300 paid so far. If you will notice in the side bar to the right, that that is just over what we have for everything right now.

I will be updating details about the appointment today, but basically, everything is going great and we are looking at Tuesday for the retrieval! That is awesome, except that I just wrote a huge check! I hate this part. This is where I have to ask for a LOT of help, quickly. We have to have $9000 for the retrieval! Brian's test cost more than originally quoted, and then there are things that are due earlier than I expected. We are still working on getting a loan. (All of you just out of high school, remember that everything you do now, really does follow you for years and years to come!) We are doing as much as we can to cut our expenses and increase our income.

Please pray with us. We need God's guidance to know exactly how to proceed. We have to have this this week. If we don't have it, then every dollar we have spent will have been wasted.

If you have any thought to help at this time, please take a moment and pray about it. Maybe it is an idea of a solution that comes to you to share with us. Maybe it is a financial help or loan that we would pay back before baby is born. Maybe it is a financial gift that you have felt led to give. Maybe it is sharing our story to others that may have a solution for us. Maybe it is just continued prayer. Whatever it is you feel led to do, please let us know.

I hate asking for help. I hate feeling helpless. I hate when Brian comes home from a month of training or a week of training preparing to deploy in 2 months and telling him that "all he does still can't provide" what we want so much! ( I don't say that but that is how he feels). I wish we could take a year or 2 to save for this on our own. I am one that would say "if you can't afford what you want, wait. Don't expect others to provide for you." The reality of it is that we can't wait. We have a timeline for this. It does not just affect Brian and I. This affects another family that we owe so much to. We owe them to stay on schedule.

Prayers: Guidance, positive results, financial provisions.

Donation : "Donate here" button on the right.

Donation : www.pathtoourmiracle.mydagsite.com/

Ideas or suggestions : bebepapillon13@gmail.com

If there are any other ways you can help, please email me at bebepapillon13@gmail.com. Or you can call us this weekend. Email for phone number if you don't have it.

Thank you so much, everyone for reading through this. We are so blessed to have you all in our lives and from the help we have already received. Don't forget our fundraising page, and the auction we have coming in November! Christmas shopping!! 

Thank you!

Continued Injections... And A Baby!?!?

I have been doing the injections for 5 days now. Today, I didn't even hesitate! I was so proud of myself! But I have been extremely sore the last couple of days. Yesterday, all I could think is that I only have to do this for 2 weeks, and Caryn is going to hate me because she has to do it for 2 months!
Friday, we go to Arizona again. This time Brian gets to come with me! He has to this time. They will be doing a physical and all kinds of tests on him, and then we are doing cryogenic freezing of the sperm in case he can't come back with me next week for the retrieval. I will be doing some more tests and they will see how I am reacting to the medications. I am quite excited! Especially because Brian will be there. It will really be the first thing we have done together for this!

Exciting news in our family this month!!! My sister in law is pregnant!!!

I am so incredibly excited for them! And I am so excited that our family will be growing! I love it! Apparently, the baby is the size of a lemon today!

I have some great posts coming up this week along with our retrieval! I am going to be featuring some of our supporters!

DAY ONE!!!

**If you see I am wrong on any of this, will you please correct me? Thanks!**

Well, all the anticipation, we are now at the starting line! I have been sooo nervous about the injections! I keep feeling so overwhelmed with information, and I was afraid that I am going to do something wrong, or stab some nerve and paralyze myself! Haha! I don't think that can happen!....???

Brian was so wonderful to help me this morning. He has been joking about it, saying how he'll get to stab me with a sharp object and not get in trouble. But as we started, I could tell he was getting nervous. He read every word of the 3 page explanation of how to do it. We finally got to the stabbing point... he got ready... then he said "I love you" and did it! It reminded me of some zombie movie or something when they have a antidote, and it could save you or kill you, but you gotta do it!... ahhh so romantic! Hahah! I barely even felt the needle!

I have realized that I have not really been giving much "medical" information about how everything is happening. I think mostly I am still trying to wrap my head around everything. But now is the time!

Day 1 (Sept 15) HGH (Human Growth Hormone) injections start. This helps the body increase natural HGH in body. This will continue until retrieval.

Day 3 (Sept 17) HMG (Human Menopausal Gonadotrophins) injections added. From what I am understanding, this increases the number of follicles and eggs to develop in the ovaries. A follicle is essentially an egg sack(this part not 100% sure, but that is what I am understanding). Oocyte is the beginning development of the egg. 

Day 8 (Sept 22) They will start monitoring me as often as possible.

When the follicles reach 12mm in size, Cetrorelix (AKA: Antagon) injections added. Again, not 100% clear on this, but I believe this keeps the eggs from ovulation. The purpose of this is for them to stay and grow in the ovaries for the full cycle.

At this point they will be monitoring me about every other day until they decide it is time for the retrieval.

Then that is a whole new process! If you have any questions, ask me! That way I can find out for myself! Hahaha!

This is only about 2.5 weeks of stuff! This stage will be done by the end of the month! WOW!

***Speaking of it coming up soooo fast. Please check out our Fundraising Page. ***

There are all kinds of items that you can purchase. The sellers will be donating all their proceeds to our fund.

Appointment with Nurses Update

Well, if you are following our Facebook Page, You heard that I had my first appointment at the clinic on Friday. Again, SO much information! I can't believe every time I talk to a doctor or nurse, I am overwhelmed with information.

I have all the medications now, just need to find a place that stocks the types of needles/syringes that I need. I went to 3 pharmacies on Saturday, and none of them had them. I have been reading through the directions multiple times this weekend, and trying to adjust to the scariness of giving myself shots. I am so nervous about it, but I will just keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it! I'm hoping Brian will be home when I need to do the first one, and he can help me! Fortunately, I am so worried about doing the injections correctly, that I am less worried about the pain.

I will know exact dates at the end of this week, but it still looks like the last week of September is when they will be doing the retrieval. 

Why Surrogacy?

Why did we chose surrogacy?

I am still struggling in my mind with all of our past decisions. What if I never drank when I was younger? Would it be ok for me to have a baby now? What if we would have gotten married earlier? What if we decided to have a baby right after we got married, instead of waiting? What if I didn't eat that piece of cake that one day? Would having lost 30 lbs instead of 25 lbs make a difference? The questions just keep coming, and these are only my questions. Brian has questions. I have discovered many of you have questions.... Though very few have asked.

Many questions can not be answered, and dwelling on them will only make this process more stressful. There is one question that I CAN answer.... Why did we chose surrogacy?

The basic answer is: It was right in front of us. We had 3 options: Surrogacy, adoption, or no children. As I have said before, HERE, we had barely had time to process our situation before Caryn offered us this gift. Because of this, there have been times I have felt undeserving.  I have chosen to change my thinking on this. Remembering how amazingly blessed we are that we have NOT had to feel that loss.

The 3rd option, no children, is not an option. If that is what is meant to be, it will be. We both have wanted children. We were ready, but my body isn't. "If God wanted you to have children, you would be able to."  If this is true, the surrogacy will not work, and the next thing we try will not work. However, we (along with Caryn) believe this is a door God has opened for us. We are meant to go down this path for one reason or another.

What about adoption? I love adoption. Have have seen MANY adoptions, and how amazing it is for the child and the parents. Adoption can be just as expensive as surrogacy. Again...the surrogacy door was opened to us before we started processing.

I love that our baby will be part of us. Growing up, I always loved hearing how much I looked like my mom (and my dad). I love hearing Brian's mom mention the many ways that he reminds her of his father. I love teasing my grandma about our "crazy gene"... obviously inherited from her. :-) I know if we adopted a child, we would love them just as much, but I LOVE that we have this opportunity to have a baby that is part of us.

As for the other questions, I just try to ignore them when they enter my mind. Don't need to make this time any more stressful than it will already be.

Faith Vs. Worry

Faith is defined as having full trust in a person or thing. So do I have full trust in God? I say that I do, I think that I do, but is the worry and anxiety a sign that I have not fully given it up to God? 

I have CHOSEN to give it to God. Every minute of every day is my mind fighting back for that choice. I will continue to remind myself that I have faith in Him, whether I feel it at that immediate moment or not. 

 




















I will do everything in my power to make this happen, but when I feel nothing is working and our opportunity is passing us by, I will remind myself that He is in control... What will be, will be.

THE SCHEDULE!!

I have been wanting to post so badly over the last couple days. So much going through my mind, but that is part of the reason I haven't posted.... I knew it was going to take some time to sort it all out into words.

The auction was an amazing success! We raised about $1000! Once more, thank you all so much for getting the word out on that! We had a lot of participation! The days leading up to, and the 3 days after the auction have been insane! But, it makes me want to do another one even more, because now I know the different things I will change! Mostly the behind the scenes organization of it all.

Here's the deal...
We have raised a total of  $8500... (Wow, seeing that in writing is motivating!...are are about 1/4 of the way there!)
Edit: 9/22/12: This is all wrong. See here and here to see what happened. I will insert link to correct budget.
The costs are this: Ali & Brian testing/exams/procedures/meds       $12000
                            Caryn testing/exams/procedures/meds               $  8000
                            Baby make/test/store                                        $  6000
                            Lawyer, and travel, misc lawyer requirements    $  4000
                                           TOTAL                                             $30000



If anyone has any FUN fundraiser ideas, let me know. As a reminder, there is the "Fundraising" tab at the top of the page. If you go there, it has links to all the great fundraising events people have set up for us! They are also on our Facebook page events. Stone Family Surrogacy Fund Facebook Page 
Hey... start Christmas shopping early! :-)

Hoping to get a loan this week, I am waiting for 2 callbacks. That is the only way we are going to be able to stay on schedule. But we will.... it will happen!

I am also focusing on all the things we can do to save money. I think I am going to do a Penny Pinching Post soon! :-)If you have any ideas, comment at the bottom, or on the Facebook page. I am not all knowing, so I would LOVE some extra ideas!

As far as the physical parts of the surrogacy, things are starting to move fast! I am getting blood work and an exam here in Oceanside this week, and they will send the results to Arizona. If all goes as planned, they should be doing the egg retrieval at the end of September! I can't believe it! My heart just jumps every time I think that in 30 days, we will have the baby, and all we will need is the body to grow it! ** Enter: Caryn**!!!!

At that point, there will be a chromosome testing done to make sure we use the embryos that are the most likely to result in pregnancy. The results will be back 2 weeks later, and then whenever Caryn's body says "give me that baby" then they will implant (I am horrible! I am still so bad at all the correct vocabulary for this! Sorry!). Then....drum roll please..... We will be waiting for that Big Fat Positive (BFP- Hmmm.... I do know some of the vocabulary!). So, we should know by Thanksgiving! How cool is that!?!?!?

End of Auction

Thank you so much, everyone for sharing and participating in the auction! So far, with all of our fundraising, we have made enough for the lawyer, and mine, Brian's, and Caryn's tests. So we still have procedures and baby creating/testing, medications, and travel expenses. In this auction, we made almost $1000! Please check for emails for invoices, and email me back your address so we can get your items to you as soon as possible!

I am hoping to do another auction sometime in October. Let me know if there are any suggestions you have for what to offer, or any changes that might be good. I will try to see if they work out. To friends and family that are following us through this whole surrogacy process, I encourage you to spread the word as much as possible. I don't expect people to participate in EVERY fundraiser. That is part of the reason that we have SO many fundraising options. But the best way to help when you are unable to buy from ANOTHER fundraiser is to help me spread the word.

Thank you, everyone. We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

VERY IMPORTANT AUCTION INFO!!

PLEASE! 

*Be sure to use whole dollar amounts and include your email when bidding!

*Payment must be made within 48 hours of winning or item will go to the next bidder down the line.

Making It Happen

If you have been following our story, you know the background, but just as a refresher: 

When we decided to try for a baby in 2011, we wanted to get approval since I am on medications to control my Autoimmune Hepatitis and Non-Alcoholic Liver Cirrhosis. I spoke to a number of OB/GYN doctors. All said that my situation would create too high risk pregnancy that they would be unable to handle my care. After understanding the risks of fatality for both the child and me, we agreed that pregnancy was not an option. Brian was on his second deployment to Afghanistan at this time, so we decided to discuss our options once he returned home. 

Two months after Brian's homecoming, Caryn asked me if we had looked into surrogacy. She offered to carry the baby for us for no compensation. She said she knew that I would be a great mother, and wanted to help me get there. I was in shock, then Brian and I talked about it, and we decided that we would do it!

We hadn't had an opportunity to save up for this kind of expense because we never thought it would be necessary. We want to do this while both families are stationed here together, and while Caryn is still willing to do it. The military insurance does not pay for infertility treatments, and although there is a strong community of support in the military, the income received is low. We are doing anything we can to save money, and many friends and family are helping to raise money. We are having difficulty getting approved for a loan of that amount, because of the income. We both want so badly to have a child, and we have been given this AMAZING gift from Caryn. We are so grateful to all the support we have received. We just don't want to lose this opportunity!

Our families are so excited for this process. This child that we are trying to get to, is already loved by so many! Even Caryn's family is in love already. I am so happy that we will be able to provide so much love!

Before we started on this journey, I was unaware how common infertility is. Until you are in the position, you don't realize how much of a loss you feel when you are unable to have that child you so badly want.It hurts because it feels that we have been told we were unable to have children, but it is also a choice that we have had to make. Wanting so badly to have a child, but choosing not to try. There are so many times that I get so stressed with the financial part of the surrogacy, and I just think: "Just forget this. I can most likely get pregnant (never tried) so why not save $40,000 and just do this the old fashioned way.... then the insurance pays for any complications that may come up." I quickly shake that out of my head, knowing that I do not want to go through the loss of a child. 

I do have difficulty with asking for help with this. I feel like we are undeserving, because we haven't been on this path for years like many couples. We have not dealt with the heartache of losing babies before they are fully developed. We have not been trying for so long to get pregnant and have been unable to. But, we do know that we will be devastated if this opportunity slips away because of money.  I have just been in a fog the past week with the worry of how this is going to happen. So excited for the time to be coming up, but trying to decide if we need to push back one more month. 

God is teaching me how to "give myself a cushion". Plan to get things done before they "need to be done". I can't wait till tomorrow to work on a fundraiser. I need tomorrow for the next step.  

 We are doing a silent auction August 15th through August 19th. We are looking for anyone who makes something or has a business to donate to the auction. Even if you have something around the house that is unused or gently used. Please contact one of us and we can add it to the auction. Anything and everything is appreciated. If you are unable to donate an item or service, please keep an eye out for the auction and join in on the bidding. We already have some amazing items. 

Facebook Page 

Caryn's blog 

Twitter Page

What God Meant

I read this yesterday on "Pursuit of Pregnancy " a blog that I have been reading. It was so touching. Reminding me of the doors God closes for another door to open.

What God Meant
Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

July

I can't even believe it is JULY!!! July has always been one of my favorite months! There is so much going on! July was always the time that my Grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins would go to their cabin in Idaho. We went with them in '90?...'91? Then we ended up moving there. :-) So then July was family month! I remember playing "Aminal Donimos" with my youngest cousin, Jill. She was 3ish and I was probably about 11 I think. I should have known back then, that I would love childcare. Really.... who can spend a whole month playing Animal Dominoes with a 3 yr old and playing nap time. By the way... playing nap time does not sound as wonderful as HAVING nap time. You HAVE to snore, the naps only last for about 5-10 seconds, and then you are "woken up" to be told that it is nap time again. Lol! But I loved it! I still get all confused when I try to say Dominoes. We went tubing, skiing, paddle boating, cooking with grandma, play cards, and so much more. I am pretty sure those years were the best summers of my life! I have been looking for all my old pictures, and can't seem to find any. :-( I put all of our "prints" in one box when we moved. I know it is somewhere "where I won't forget"! Lol. Here are some fun ones that I have been able to find.

Here is the view from the front deck. Isn't it beautiful!?

Hanging out on the front deck with the cousins. 

Brooke, Andrew, Patrick, Jill, and Bre

Bre and I chillin' in the hammock! 

This was always a tradition when we were younger. So cool to do it that year. Patrick and Laura were on there honeymoon. No idea what the "Mike Mason" half was doing. Lol! 

This was that same day. Fun Picture! First year Grandpa and Grandma (on the far left) were able to go. Also, Uncle Jason (Ranger shirt in the middle) was there! Again, sadly missing Patrick and Laura, but what a great time we had. 

July is also a busy birthday month! Today is my dad's Birthday! I so badly wish I could be there to celebrate with him. We did get to talk to him this morning. I love when I get to talk to him! I miss him!

July 13th, is my mom and my uncles birthday! They are twins! Funny thing: 24 years later, my aunt and uncle had their first born, my cousin, Mike! So, yes.... big day! The youngest cousin's birthday is 4 days later. Haha!

This is my mom, with her twin brother, and their sister. (L-R: Beth, Tim (Bub), Cindy (mom))

I LOVE birthdays! We did some traveling when I was younger, and I remember our birthdays were such a big deal! We got to pick whatever breakfast we wanted, and then we went out to eat for dinner-which was really cool, because we were always in a different city, so it was somewhere totally new! I know it seems simple, but I just remember it being so special!

This year, we are adding a wedding anniversary at the end of July! Andrew and Monica getting married! I shared one of their engagement pictures on my last post, but I recently got the link to there whole session. Besides the fact that they are so cute themselves, I LOVE the photographer! Here are a couple of my favorites!

Very Cute!

Beautiful!

Love the hair picture! So Fun!

Here is the link to the Photographer's web site. They are located in Boise, ID. Sara K Byrne Photography



Now, for the surrogacy. Got the lawyer stuff sent in. Not sure of their hours this week, so we will see when they get back to us. I was babysitting at Caryn's the other night, and was able to go through her packet after the kids were in bed. OOOOMMMMGGGG!!!! Hers is double the size of Brian's and mine! I think some of it should have been sent to both of us? But IDK... Hopefully she will be able to talk to the IVF coordinator and get some things cleared up. But I took tons of notes as I read through it! I still have to go through those notes and combine them with my packet, and should have a much clearer idea of the timing of Caryn's part. We are still waiting on a couple bits of info to clear up when we can do that so that Brian is home for babies birth. Just part of the life... If we were trying to get pregnant naturally, we would still be trying to time it out correctly. Just makes it more frustrating when you are also thinking of a 3rd party in the mix. There are so many things that I want to make timing work for Caryn for comfort, convenience, etc., but still trying to work in so that Brian will not miss such an amazing event in our lives. .... As for me, I just want to hold my healthy baby!

Brian will be leaving for the next month. It is going to be so hard, because I will not be able to talk through this stuff with him, but I think I am going to get so much done. I am always trigger shy when I have the option to run things by him, whether necessary or not. But during deployments and long trainings when I have very little contact, I have no problem making decisions.

I have some items that have been donated that I really want to try to do an auction with this month. I would really like to get 100 "likes" on our Facebook page. There are some really BEAUTIFUL things! (I don't want to say what they are yet)! LOL.

Click here to "Like"

I have also started looking into some other sales and service fundraisers. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I have also been asked this week how to donate other than online. I will put our address for this on a separate in the "fundraising" tab (that is not there, but will be ASAP... Lol). We are not asking for this. We are very grateful for all emotional and prayer support. We also hope to find some really great things that people use to be able to sell and make money that way.

Caryn's blog was featured on "The Special Surrogacy Daily"!!! Go to "Stories" and her blog is there! I am so excited for her! I love reading her blog!

Well, I am going to go spray some "Cat De-Stresser" all around my house just in case fireworks start tonight!

So excited for summer!

We are half way done with this year! Wow! I am so excited for this summer. I am determined to spend as much time outside as possible! Doing pretty good so far. Hit the pool a few times this week. One day by myself, and then 2 days with kids.

Today, we are going to attempt the beach... with 2 kids. I have not taken kids to the beach before, just pools. Also, never gone to the beach here on a weekend, and we are going 4th of July weekend. It will be fun!
I have spent so much time this week on the phone. Everything is really starting to come together. I am amazed at the speed of it. Have the lawyer. Getting all that info emailed to them to get done this week. Been talking with the IVF coordinator, and we are "manipulating my cycles" to get everything on schedule. Also talked with a Tricare advisor to find out how everything needs to work for them. We are on schedule for creating embryos in September! Then hoping to do the transfer in October or November! November seems like so far away, but I know it is right around the corner.
Brian is leaving for training this month, and will be back at the beginning of August. He is getting excited that everything for the baby is coming together.

My brother, Andrew is marrying his love, Monica, at the end of July! I can not wait to see them! I will be driving with my other brother, Patrick and beautiful sis-in-law, Laura. BTW... Today is their 4th anniversary!

I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL and SAFE weekend and holiday!

Update 6/27

Oh boy! These are the kinds of weeks that I think "You mom's must have super powers!" I don't have kids 24/7 and I just can not seem to catch up! Lol.

Since my last update, we have made some major progress on the baby front! I learned how to use Skype! :-) Brian and I had our Skype consult with the Doctor from Arizona Center for Fertility Studies. I think that was actually in my last update. Basically, he just walked us through the basics of the process. I really like him. At the beginning of June, I had my appointment with my Gastro doctor. There is no change in my illness at that time. We talked about the surrogacy, and he is excited for us about it. He cleared me for the stimulation and egg harvesting! YAY! :-) I will, however, have to have appointments with him every 2 weeks during the process. Wow!
I had an appointment with the IVF coordinator last week. Talk about information overload! It was awesome though. She went through every tiny detail of the process. So many tests! So many meds! Lol. Already, every step of this, I am just amazed at the ability to do this! We worked out a tentative schedule for the egg harvest and creating the embryos. Looks like we are going to be completing this phase approximately the end of September! That is only 3 months! They will create the embryos and then freeze them until we are ready for implant.
We are still unsure of when Brian's deployment is, so I am glad that we will have that phase done! Plus that way we don't have to stress about Caryn and my bodies "syncing" correctly. Less stress=better chance of results. :-)

We had another yard sale last weekend. I am shocked at how well they are doing! This one, we made about $300! I am also loving that my house is getting cleared out! ;-)

I started a weight loss challenge with my Herbalife products! I am down almost 10lbs now, and feel so much more alert and in control of my body!

I also just found this awesome company through a friend, called Wildtree. I got a bunch of samples of the product and am really wanting to do a tasting soon. It is a line of all natural cooking products that helps you make healthy and delicious meals from scratch while cutting your grocery bill in half! I have only tried a few things so far, but it all looks soooo good, and simple! They are also a peanut free facility!

 I used the "Just Like Mom's Meatloaf" Mix and

 made meatballs. They were sooo good!

I am starting a new site to have all the info about Herbalife and Wildtree. I am so excited about both these products. I have loved adding Herbalife into our life, and am looking forward to including Wildtree also. The new site is called "The Stepping Stones" the web address is www.thefirststepforward.com.