I keep staring at this empty screen. I have no way to say how I feel right now.
Thursday morning Caryn went in for her blood test to see if she was pregnant. The test came back negative.
I was so anxious that morning. I talked to my Mom, my MIL, my SIL. Finally I worked out to help distract me.
Caryn said it was going to be an hour for the results. When I had not gotten an answer after an hour and 10 min, I think I knew. Of course I kept telling myself that "1 hr when dealing with not only a hospital, but military, I shouldn't worry till 2 hrs."
When Caryn called, I remember just staring at the phone. Whatever she said would change our lives. I don't remember most of the conversation. All I remember is the sadness in her voice and the word "negative".
I got off the phone and cried. I called my mom, but I could barely speak through the tears.
I cried. I just kept trying to "mind talk" to Brian so he would call me.
My initial reaction whenever I get sad about something is to turn on the TV or play a game. Something to focus on other then what I am feeling. I fought this urge. I just allowed myself to think about everything. I allowed myself to cry. I cried myself to sleep.
I was woken up by a call from Brian. I had sent him an email so he knew the results. It is difficult to deal with this over the phone because it is hard to determine real emotions. He has called me as often as possible over the last couple days.
Telling him allowed me to start to deal with the reality. Before that all I could think about was telling him.
I had every intention of pulling myself together and dealing getting some stuff done on Friday. Then the horrible news of the shooting started flooding FB. Emotions all over the place again.
I am doing better today. I am not sure how I "should" feel. It is only the loss of an "idea". Especially after the loss of all these kindergartners, and the many families I know who have lost children in the past. I am reminding myself not to compare my life to others. But I feel ridiculous with my sadness while these people are dealing with such a tragic loss.
We are still kind of in limbo with this blood test on Monday. There is a small possibility that it will be different results, but I am not expecting anything but another negative.
We have to start figuring out what our new options are. No idea where to begin. The cost of anything else is going to be so high. Maybe we really aren't meant to have a child. Again, very difficult decisions to make through a deployment, but I think we will have to work on it.
Well, that is all for now.
3 comments:
My heart breaks for you. Your loss is real and without bounds. You are doing exactly what you need to. Every mother compares her loss to another as in "I was only 16 weeks along" or " at least we had 6 years" "some will never be able to have a baby" I could go on....there is never a good time, losing a child is the loss of hope,losing hope is the ultimate devastation. Process how you need to and know that you are being loved and prayed for.
Please do not short-change yourself Ali. You are entitled to grieve just as much as anyone else! I had more to say, but I think Reannan summed everything up really, really well! We love you!
Agreed, yours and Brian's loss is just as great as those other parents. You are sad and grieving just as they are. I'm so thankful that you have such amazing friends and family that are there to comfort you and pray with you, and most importantly LOVE you. In the end... that's what emotion is all about. Love... I pray you always feel God's love even in darkest of hours, because its in those hours that God is allowed to work the best, because we can't.
Love you dear friend. More then words can say.
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