Is There Still A Miracle At The End of This Path?

Thank you everyone for you kind words, prayers, and support this last week. It has definitely been a tough one.

As expected, the results on Monday came back negative.

Sunday and Monday Caryn's kids were with me. I was kind of nervous how I would feel around them. They have been so excited about the whole process, and I knew there was going to be conversation about it. I asked Caryn what words she had used so that if they talked to me about it, they were getting a consistent explanation. I was just reminded of how blessed we are to have this family in our lives. They did have many "solutions" to how we would have a kid. None of them work. It was just so nice to play with them, listen to them, and watch them play with each other.

I did talk to Dr. Nemiro Monday night, and he just had no explanation to give of why the transfer didn't work. They had 6 transfers around the same time, and 5 of them were positive. They were not expecting to get a call from US with a negative. He said the embryos were beautiful, Caryn's lining was perfect, the transfer went smoothly. In the last few months (I don't remember how many 2-6 months), disregarding age, they have had 84.7% success. Despite the result, I still am just so thankful for that whole office. They are so easy to talk to and you can honestly feel the commitment and the care that they have.

Brian has been calling me as often as possible this week. I am so grateful that they are not on the ship yet, and that he is able to communicate so easily. We have started talking about where we are going from here. A couple of options on the table. Trying to sort out all the details before making any decisions. We are both just so heartbroken with the results, we want to make sure we think it through and don't do anything crazy simply based on emotion. No matter what though, the decision is based on emotion. We want a baby. What are we willing to do to make that happen?

I don't remember exactly what my answer used to be when I was asked what I want to be when I grow up. The one answer I do remember was "Mom". My mom was a Stay-At-Home-Mom up till I was in Jr High. I just wanted to be like her. Even into high school, that was always my answer in my head, but of course it didn't really work out loud. I struggled to find "a career". Started college without a major, changed my mind about 46 times on what job I wanted. I have realized that I have never been able to figure that out, because I want to do everything. Here is my list of majors/jobs that I seriously considered: Psychology, child development, education, health/nutrition, interior designer, professional organizer, accountant, life coach (Bahahaha!!! Seriously!!).... that might be all. Notice a pattern there? I am sure any mother/wife would. The problem I had with every one of these is I didn't want to do it ALL the time. I didn't want to study EVERY area of each of those. I didn't want to make a career out of any of them. I simply wanted to be "good" at each one. As a mother, I will be able to constantly improve in each of those areas. There is a part of my mind that has always been a mother. Every thing I learn, I apply it to being a wife and mother.

I always thought this was corney and cliche, but I understand the depth of it now. There is a piece of my heart that is reserved for our child. That piece is missing. This Path to Our Miracle is not over. God still has a miracle for us.